this is my latest sculpture homework. no really.

props to Kim Adams for inspiring me to hack a bunch of war toys and hand it in as homework. And I got an A on that last project!

i'm in last-3-weeks-of-first-semester hell. this story made me laugh so hard i peed a little.

I Was Placed On This Earth To Put Off Doing Something Extraordinary

Ever since I was born three weeks overdue, it was clear that there was something different about me. However, it wasn't until I postponed going...

shitty, shit, shit.

I feel like a big ole bag of poop today. I should be doing homework, but instead I'm lying on the couch, reading blogs and surfing the 5 tv channels we get. I have a presentation and essay due tomorrow night, but can't concentrate. Seriously, I just had to check the spelling of 'concentrate'. Even though it's right, it just looks weird to me.

It's probably just the Nyquil.

you are what you eat

This is my third assignment for my Form and Structure course, and it's due tonight. The assignment was called 'The Body'. The guidelines were:

1. The structure of your work can either be a fragment of the body OR a relationship/association created between 2 or more body parts.
2. Your completed broject will focus on, and be expressive of, a theme/idea/meaning
3. Your sculpture can be abstract/representational/self-contained/assemblage/installation/personal/political
4. Materials suggested: mould-making medium, plaster, plaster bandage, air-drying clay, sculpy, wax, wood, fabric, organic materials, etc.

SO, the idea I wanted to explore (as this post title suggests) was 'you are what you eat' in relation to how little we think about all the invisible stuff (fertilizers, pesticides, hormones) we put into our bodies when we consume seemingly innocuous foods, like fruits and vegetables. This is exemplified in the fingers that are bitten off along with the apple, as if the "biter" didn't notice. This also touches on the theme of the psychological impact of the mindless consumerism western culture, which is on my mind a lot lately with Christmas coming up, and me not having much money to spend. In fact, Kirk and I are considering making it a Buy Nothing Christmas.

Anyway, I really wish I had taken pictures of the whole process for ya'll. Instead I'll just tell you how I did it. I used alginate to make a 'negative' mold of my friend Melissa's hand, holding an apple, sans bite. Then I made a 2-part plaster bandage shell to hold it all together while it set. The shell also allows for you to pour your material to make your 'positive'. We then melted down some oil-based clay and poured it into the alginate/plaster bandage mould and poured it in. Once it was set, we pulled off the mould and had a great clay positive of my sculpture.

Then Melissa took a few bites out of the clay (yuk) and I used some hand tools to clean it all up. Then we repeated the alginate/plaster bandage process to make a new negative to pour the hydrocal (white gyspum cement) into. When the hydrocal started to set, we inserted a 3/4" wood dowel into the base, for mounting, and let it dry overnight. During the curing process, the dowel expanded with the moisture and heat and unfortunately cracked the base below the wrist. So I had to mix up some more hydrocal and work it into the cracks. Next time I'll remember to use a metal rod.

Once it was all dry, I sanded it and used spray primer to get it as white as I could. Kirk helped me make a plywood base (phew!) and I primed that as well. Last night I put it all together and this morning I epoxied in a real apple stem that I also had primed, and VOILA! Done, aaaaand done.

Ok. I'm off to school to present it to my class, where I will endure all manner of critique. Wish me luck!

worst wallpaper ever.

This is me (and my dad's hand) in 1975. I'm guessing on the year, but this shot was taken before we moved into our first house when I was just over a year old, so it's a pretty good guess.

yes. this IS me.

my festering nipple is festering no more!

No, I don't have a fresh photo of the scar, but it is fully healed. Trust me. Not that you should trust anything a blogger-who-never-blogs says.

I had this whole plan to post about my whole going back to school experience. But it appears that the black hole of first-year homework has totally shot that plan to shreads.

So, basically, I'm a total basket case. This semester I'm taking 4 courses:

Introduction to Visual Culture: History and Ideas (art history)
Drawing
Time-Based Media (video, performance art, electronics and web stuff)
Form and Structure (sculpture)

My instructors are all accomplished, knowledgable artists and scholars in their own right and aren't uptight or stuffy. They just seem excited to see how we interpret the assignments. I've received some marks back already, so I'm feeling good about the work I'm doing. Mostly. It's definitely weird working among recent high school graduates. Most of them think I'm only about 3 or 4 years older than they are and freak out when I tell them I'm married.

I've also started working in the school's Writing and Learning Centre as their Friday reception. The pay is not the greatest, but it's on campus, and its enough to cover all my incidental school expenses, so its worth it.

Anyway, here's a photo of my most recently completed painting. Yes, I'm still painting whenever I can steal a few free hours from homework time. This is from a photo of Oscar when he was about 10 weeks old.



Also, yesterday was my first wedding anniversary! Since we're a little short in the moolah department, we just stayed home, ate veggie chili, drank some shiraz and watched Slither. Which was fantastically gross! And can I just say that DAMN, that Nathan Filion is one dreamy smartass. Ahem. We decided instead of buying each other a gift, we'd save up for a few weeks and get a 250 gig hard drive installed into the portable hard drive case we've got kicking around. That way we can store our media in one central location WOOHOO! Anniversary-tastic!

OUCH! I burned myself!!!!

That's the last time I make tea topless. Fucking kettle.

tastes like homo!

Today is training day for my new job. I'm looking forward to making a little dough, but I'm starting to freak out a little about all the homework I haven't been working on over the last few days. Though, yesterday was the WORST DAY I've had since school started.

Monster menstrual cramps + lunch of potato salad with pork tenderloin and coffee = Linda Blair-type explosive barfing.



I haven't thrown up like that because of cramps since before I went on the pill at 19. I went off it a year and a half ago at 31, and mostly don't regret it.

Anyway, here is a shot of a new oil painting I'm working on, because I'm insane and don't seem to get that I have more than enough to do already with school. It's from a photo I took of Oscar when he was about 10 weeks old. This was the first time he had been to my parents' house and he had never seen such an expanse of grass. He sat there for about 10 minutes just looking out.

sigh.

hey! are you still there?

I've been meaning to post for ages, but I'm still adjusting to the whole "get up and go" school thing (a.k.a. get off yer lazy ass and do some work, beeyatch). This term, I'm taking drawing, art history, intro to film and video and intro to sculpture.



There's plenty of homework, which I'm not really used to, so my brain is constantly chugging away. That means I'm sleeping fairly erratically. Only to grind my teeth to nubs when I actually do sleep. Since I've been off work since July, I've also been worrying (grinding) about money. So, last Friday, I got myself a part-time job on campus.



OK. Sleepy time now. Post later. Kisses!

i'm in first week of school hell. thank goodness for ze frank.

the show with zefrank

This Blog Sucks...

...dirty gym socks?
...funky goat balls?
...slimy dog toys?

Meh. blaaaaahg.

Maybe I should actually start writing, or posting or something?

Or maybe I should just give it up? Hm...

In the meantime, here is a photo of our new nephew. Kirk's sister gave birth on August 23. She named him Kirk. Seriously.

Isn't he just precious? Did I just use the word precious? uuuugh...

so i'm leaving again

Going up to the cottage once again for a whole week. I'm sequestering myself there to finish about 10 - 15 drawings for this art show thing I'm working on for September.

It's also Kirk's birthday on Monday, so there will be cake and r/c toys galore to keep him happy next week while I'm working away.

I've got 2 new paintings almost done. I plan to do at least 1 or 2 more, so when I get back I will post some photos for your viewing pleasure. Oh yeah, and I start school in 3 weeks. YOWZA.

Anyway, I hope you all have a good week and thank you to Squid, Wendy, Dave, IronicSimplicity and ThaMonkey for your encouragement and well wishes. I really appreciate you guys.

DJ Cyber-Rap - Stylin' '06 (Profile of a Mac)

DJ Cyber-Rap - Stylin' '06 (Profile of a Mac)

OH. MY. GAWD.

it's SO obvious how much they love jesus

Homometer

I love Ed Helms.

zefrank is a smart sonamabitch

"Generalized statements, like this, which instill nebulous fear without specific information are exactly in line with the goals in terrorism"

the show with zefrank

i'm baaaaaack!

4 x (8x10)
acrylic on canvas

its so hot my modem is melting...

It's 32 degrees in my condo and 47 outside with the humidex. How hot is that?

Hot enough that Oscar won't walk more than 5 blocks before dragging me back home.

Hot enough that my modem is acting up and works for only a few hours a day.

Hot enough that I don't want to leave my bedroom, which is the only room with air conditioning.

Hot enough that I have a headache that won't go away.

Hot enough that I am the grumpiest bitch this side of Toronto.

Hot enough that I haven't eaten anything other than bread, cherry tomatoes and water all day.

Hot enough that I'll be at the cottage for the next week and a half.

Party Island here I come!!!

new work

18x36
acrylic on canvas
completed last week.


4(8x10)
acrylic on canvas
in progress

The Grande Mothers

The Grande Mothers Re:Invented played at Hugh's Room last night. One of the best live shows I've seen in a long time. Living legends bringing us the music of Frank Zappa; truly one of the most prolific musical geniuses of the 20th century.

These are the best shots out of the 15 that I got in before my camera battery died.

it's been raining cats and dogs out here

Oscar is exhausted from all the hiding and whining he suffered during the thunder and lightning storm that's been hammering the city all day. It was so bad he refused to poop at all this morning and dragged me back home as soon as he got about half a block away.

"Where is that coming from? It's like it's coming from...EVERYWHERE.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Quick, wench, hide!"

For the next few hours he just glared at me occasionally as if dissapointed that I hadn't obeyed his command.

"The noise monster is sure as hell never going to catch me.

You get caught, you're on your own."

9 good things

1. Found USB cables for digital cameras. It makes it easier to get the pictures off of them and stuff.


2. My husband. For many reasons, but namely for finding said cable.


3. My cottage. Everyone living in urban middle-class on up comfort should have to poop in an outhouse for at least a whole week once a year. I swear. It's character building.


4. Good friends. I had the best week ever with Melissa, drinking, canoeing, eating, smoking, sleeping. Oh, and lots and lots of stick throwing.


5. The Party Island. Need I say more?


6. Bicycles out of storage. TTC fare is now $2.75 and that is fucking bullshit. Also, I've been away from city driving for a while and think that road rage is NOT good for me.

7. Newly painted bedrooms. Now I just need to move all my shit out of the closet, paint the closet doors and inside trim, lay down some quarter round, moving it all back into the closet. And THEN, I can move my bed back in, and all my other tchatchka. HUZZAH!

8. Cursewords. The words bullshit, cunt, asshole, fucking and pricks got me through the most evil rush hour drive down Dufferin from Lawrence Ave down to King Street today. Drivers in Toronto don't know the first goddamned thing about common courtesy. I don't give a shit if someone needs to get into my lane. Signal assholes! Let me know what you're planning to do, pricks, so I don't rear end your bullshit, you fucking cunts!

ahem.

9. Free food. Thanks Mum! Also, thank you for storing my bike.

bye bye Toronto

Tomorrow I am heading up to the cottage for the weekend. I'll be home for a couple of days and then up there again until July 4. No access to email or internet. It's going to be awesome.

i totally forgot about this blog. and i LOVE it.

favourite quotes from www.overheardinnewyork.com...

Girl #1: ...maybe a tattoo. We should get tattoos.
Girl #2: I find those people, them, to be low class.
Girl #1: But we are low class.
Girl #2: Touche.

Old veteran: Have a Happy Father's Day!
Dad: Happy Father's Day to you, too.
Old veteran: Me? Oh no, not me. Well, maybe in Saigon.

Girl #1: How much does he want?
Girl #2: Ten dollars.
Girl #1 to gypsy cab: Fuck you! I'd rather drag my friend home on her face than pay you ten dollars!

Girl: Taco Bell is fifty cents, but I don't want to go to Taco Bell for a date.
Guy: Have you noticed that if you say "Taco Bell" enough, it starts to sound funny?
Girl: Taco Bell.
Guy: Taco Bell. It sounds like a battle of the Civil War.
Girl: The Battle of Taco Bell.

White guy: Is it true that Mexicans carry knives?
Mexican girl: Shut up before I bust into a stereotype on your ass.

Man: Hey! It's so great to run into you! I haven't heard from you in so long!
Woman: Yeah, that's because you didn't call me after we slept together.

And in honour of Ye Olde Pride Weeke festivities:

Gay #1: How is being gay going for you?
Gay #2: I don't really jibe with the culture.
Gay #1: Like what?
Gay #2: The music.

and

Queerspotter: He's so far inside the closet, he's in Narnia.

Celebrating birthdays can be life-threatening

"Especially if it's a major one: Take a baby aspirin, have a couple of glasses of wine and throw in some good sex," he said. "That should reduce your risk and if it doesn't, at least you'll die happy."

that is, unless you're turning 15.

this is where i'll be going to school in september

I don't want to go insane!

A VICTORIAN VIEW ON MENSTRUATION

About the monthly menstruation is this warning: "Allow me here to give a word of caution about taking cold at this period. It is very dangerous. I knew a young girl, who had not been instructed by her mother upon this subject, to be so afraid of being found with this show upon her apparel which she did not know the meaning of, that she went to a brook and washed herself and clothes -- took cold, and immediately went insane."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. ack. flickr's down.

10 things I've learned in the last 2 weeks

1. There are not enough hours in the day to browse flickr.

2. House painting is hard work - all that bending and reaching. I'd rather be painting canvasi than my bedroom.

3. I HATE having my home in total disorder. My bed is in my living room and my clothes are EVERYWHERE.

4. Beds are meant to be in bedrooms, not in living rooms where cats and dogs will sleep on them all day and get hairs on pillows and in between sheets.


5. Even though I don't have to get up by 7:00am anymore I still seem to wake up around 7:30am. Today I fell back asleep until 11:30am but that's neither here nor there.

6. Am a big baby. It's a beautiful day out and I'm inside posting this to my blog because I left my sunglesses at Steve's last night. Also, because the sun is really bright out and it burns my eyes.

7. I don't need TV. Kirk and I cancelled BellExpressVu so that I can concentrate on all those projects I have listed in my to-do journal.

8. I eat less when I'm unemployed. When I'm home, I just seem to graze a little here and there, but when I was working I scarfed.

9. Working out means ab pain. That combined with mentruation really puts a damper on things.

10. I miss TV. I have cramps right now and am so hopped up on Motrin that I want to veg out on the sofa - I mean bed. Since it is still in the living room. Maybe I'll go rent a movie.

Ok, yeah, so, like, I , like, totally quit my job, eh?

As of last week, I am blissfully unemployed. I haven't posted at all about work, not because I'm afraid of being dooced, but because there are some things I just leave out of this blog. OK, considering how often I post, there are a lot of things I leave out of this blog. Mostly because my interest in journaling, or whatever this is supposed to be for, waxes and wanes, as they say.



Anyway, now its over and I don't even have to bother thinking about it. Not that that means I'm sitting around the house all day eating bonbons and watching soaps.

You are SO WRONG.

That was just yesterday, and it wasn't bonbons but coffee and not soaps but obsessively exploring flickr. Gawd, I'm such a geek.



For the most part, though, I've been working my tushie off over here. I've been doing a lot of housework, some copywriting work for a local interior designer, designing business cards for my brother's new business, starting a whole new series of paintings and drawings, repainting my bedroom (which should be done today), working on major landscaping projects up at the cottage, taking lots of digital photos AND (as I mentioned) obsessively exploring flickr. phew! and it's only been 11 days!



Damn, I'm working harder now than I did when I was actually earning a paycheck. I think it's a revisit to the twisted form of guilt I felt a few years ago when I was unemployed for 2 years and spending money I didn't actually earn myself. Kirk has been awesome about it, and is excited for me to start school in September. I'm excited about it too, actually. Not because I need the degree to be an artist, but hopefully to gain more confidence, network like crazy, and mostly to accumulate as many new experiences as I can to expand my art practice beyond what I'm used to.




Anyway, until my next post here's a couple of new works in progress for your enjoyment:










This one is actually a year old, but I realized I never posted it!

Thanks to Raymi and Merkley??? for inspiring me to add more photos to my posts. Except with less boobies.

Thanks also to Squid for reminding me that I actually have a blog of my own!

most recently completed...

self-portrait in blue, originally uploaded by poopee shmoopee.

self-portrait in blue
oil on canvas
24x32

wedding photos are finally up!

123, originally uploaded by poopee shmoopee.

i'm working on my thank you cards right now, but i figure i'd let you all know that the photos are finally up on flickr.

yay for long weekends.

seeing as this weekend is victoria day weekend, tomorrow we leave for the cottage. last week kirk went up and had a phone hooked up. yay! maybe next year we'll get running water.

so many things are going on right now.

paintings.

work.

neighbours that deserve a good kicking in the box.

cramps.

oh my.

i can't even tell you how excited the words menstruation and outhouse and no-running-water are making me feel right now.

pebble beach

pebble beach, originally uploaded by poopee shmoopee.

just finished this painting yesterday. i really like how this turned out and plan to do a series of them.

stephen colbert has the biggest balls of them all

i know this is everywhere but i thought i would post it here for posterity. and my own personal enjoyment. it makes me want to pee myself that this is the same guy who wrote tek jansen. i'm not sure what they had expected him to say during the white house correspondents' association annual dinner. squealyfools.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof SUVs out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof SUVs, and they need to get out.

Wow! Wow, what an honor! The White House Correspondents' dinner. To actually -- to sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper; that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Damn it! The one guy who could have helped.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert, and tonight it is my privilege to celebrate this president, ‘cause we're not so different, he and I. We both get it. Guys like us, we're not some brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut. Right, sir?

That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. Now, I know some of you are going to say, "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." FOX News, I hold a copyright on that term.

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states, and I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow.

I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit. As a matter of fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration.

I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible. I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical!

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter.

Most of all, I believe in this president. Now, I know there are some polls out there saying that this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias. So, Mr. President, please, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay.

Look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie Rocky. Alright? The President, in this case, is Rocky Balboa, and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case, I guess, would be the Vice President, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!" And every time he falls, everyone says, "Stay down, Rocky! Stay down!" But does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie. Okay, doesn't matter. Doesn’t matter.

The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face, so don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say that 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man, because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things, things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.

Now, there may be an energy crisis. Well, this president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008, we will have a mesquite-powered car.

And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe, obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the President. Let history decide what did or did not happen.

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

And as excited as I am to be here with the President, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of FOX News. FOX News gives you both sides of every story: the President's side, and the Vice President's side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking? Reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good, over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The President makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration? You know, fiction!

Because, really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So, the White House has personnel changes. And then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring! If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!

Now, it's not all bad guys out there. There are some of the heroes out there tonight: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. I’ve interviewed all of them. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I appreciate it. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can just bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.

See who we've got here tonight. We’ve got General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. We’ve got General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni in that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you’re strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on!

Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in just a little while. I had him on the show. It was a very interesting interview, very challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Justice Scalia is here. Justice Scalia, may I be the first to say, “Welcome, sir!” You look fantastic! How are you? Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.

John McCain is here. John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I’ve actually got a summer house in South Carolina. Look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.

Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center and a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess, is what I'm describing, is a Mallomar. It’s a seasonal cookie.

Joe Wilson is here. Joe Wilson, right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And, of course, he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? Ay, gee monetti! I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife “Joe Wilson's wife.” Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight, right? Okay, dodged a bullet.

And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name: "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire, really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children.

Now, Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir. I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people.

taken from http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=06/05/03/145234