how winning an award can make you feel like shit

when i was 16, i won the 10th grade visual art achievement award. that year was one of the most exciting i had ever had. my crazy egyptian high school art teacher took a group of students to paris, france for a week. that and i had started dating my first boyfriend. anyway, it took about a whole month of wheedling and emotional manipulation for my mother and i to finally convince my father to let me go. we visited the louvre, the georges pompidou centre, the musee d'orsay, montmartre and all the usual tourist-y spots.

we also took a day long drive to brittany see mont st.michel which was a total nightmare. first of all it's about a 6.5 hour drive from paris to mont st michel. then about 10 minutes after we piled out of the van, i got my period and the WORST cramps in history. I spent the whole 2 hour visit there alternately sleeping in the van and puking my guts out into the atlantic ocean while my friends were visiting one of the most beautiful monastaries in france. then we drove back. THE SAME DAY.

ok. back to the award story. at the end of that school year, my teacher decided to grant me the visual arts academic achievement plaque at the awards ceremony, even though a good friend of mine had better grades. when he called my name, i was shocked. i was SO SURE she was going to win it. in fact i had wanted her to win it. she was so talented, focussed, competitive and dedicated. i was just having fun learning. she was livid, gave me the EVIL eye and a couple of her friends hissed and booed me as i walked up to the podium to accept the plaque.

i didn't know what to do. i felt so humiliated and happy at the same time. i mean, it was great to be recognized, but i wasn't willing to lose a friend over it. afterwards, i went to talk to the teacher, pleaded with him to give it to her. that SHE deserved it. he told me that it was HIS decision and he stood by it. i was crushed. she and i eventually made up but our friendship was never the same.

when i chose my courses for the following year, i decided i didn't want to deal with that shit and never took art again. the experience left me totally freaked out and creatively blocked. i tried to draw and paint on my own, but ended up hating everything i did as it just reminded me of the humiliation i felt. so i just stopped. i decided it was better to just appreciate it rather than make it. which is what i did until about 5 years ago when my mom gave me gift certificate to take art classes with katrina (i'm re-doing her website over the next few weeks so please don't hold it against her) which changed my life.

any now it looks about to change again. tomorrow is my interview at ocad and i'm super nervous. AND excited. if anyone is reading this, send me your positive vibes and high fives.

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p.s. HOLY SHEEEEEIT! I think I'm gonna poop myself in jubilation.