bridezilla revisited

well. tonight is my last night as an unmarried harlot living in sin with her "get-the-milk-for-free" bohunk.

tonight we had our rehearsal dinner at my parents place and we had a great time. afterwards i checked out this AWESOME halloween party as bridezilla and was about to climb into bed when i realized, HOLY SHIT, I'm not going to even SEE a computer for the next 12 days.

on sunday, we fly out to trinidad and tobago, where i hope to enjoy tropical storm/hurricane-free weather, and lots and lots of sleeping.

and sexing.

awwwwwww yeahhhhh

peace out.

10 days and counting

There is so much going on right now. Wow. Ok, so I'm getting married in 10 days. A Halloween wedding. I'm super excited.

With my past event management experience, I've pretty much managed not go all bridezilla on everyone. Mostly.

We've sorted out the venue, the marriage licence, met with the officiant, wrote the ceremony, bought the cake, booked the flowers, made the guests' takeaway gift, picked up dress, suit, booked the honeymoon(sigh. honeymoon. i want to be there. right. now.). What's left?

1. Decoration of the ceremony and reception area. We're going with a harvest kinda theme. The halloween part? Everyone's going to get halloween candy, and a Nightmare before Christmas/Corpse Bride-inspired cake and the whole bridal party will be dressed in black on black except me in ivory and silver.

2. Practice dancing. As I mentioned before, Kirk doesn't really enjoy the whole dancing thing. Hence the practicing. Which is great because we're finally starting to really move together. I have to admit I was a little worried that we'd end up looking like we were in the 6th grade at our first boy/girl dance.

3. Program a soundtrack for the evening. We need to cover the ceremony, reception and our first dance. Here are some of the tracks we're thinking about including:

Ice Cream - Sarah McLachlan
Anniversary Song - Cowboy Junkies
Wedding Song - Bob Dylan
We Are Going To Be Friends - The White Stripes
Mushaboom - Feist

Any other music suggestions?

It's a good thing we've got most of it done early. I am so busy at work right now it's not even funny. Oh, and I fell on the stairs again and smashed my other leg. I was carrying a lot of shit up the stairs and the toe of my boot caught a step and well, let's just say it's a good thing I'm wearing a long dress.

Vice Magazine is the SHIT.

Vice Magazine - Kill Your Parents issue


I think there's a lot of really great writing and pointed arguments about the the baby boomer generation in this issue. That being said, I still love my parents and don't really want to kill them.

My parents are of that generation and while I would do everything in my power to make sure they are loved and cared for as they age, just as they did for me as a child, I've made it pretty clear to them, that it's THEIR responsibility to prepare for their future financially.My brother and I will never be able to afford to support them with the lifestyle to which they've become accustomed. Hell, we can't even truly afford to support ourselves with the lifestyle we were accustomed to at home with them.

A few years ago, Kirk and I decided that RRSP's and the concept of retirement is BULLSHIT.

Why the hell, should I give a significant percentage of my earnings to some other person who's going to do something better with it than PAYING OFF OUR MORTGAGE. Because lets just face it, the ONLY way to own a home these days is to carry a mortgage. If I have a third of my earnings goes to taxes, another third to my mortgage, then most of that third is spent on school loans, car lease, insurance, property taxes and credit cards oh and eating and let's not forget entertainment. WHY THE FUCK would I take what little I have I have left and save it for my "retirement". I'm 31 years old! Who the hell knows what the world will be like in another 30 years. I need to see that I've worked for something tangible. Something real. NOW.That's why Kirk and I decided to bust our asses to own land. Seriously, real estate is the only way to go.

i'm such a geek

Today I read THIS. Oh and on Sunday I'm going to see THIS and I CAN'T WAIT. I even bought the official movie magazine and everything.

how boyish or girlish am i?

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Thanks to :phil: for helping me clear that one up.

kick it old school

One of my new favourite albums is Fischerspooner's Odyssey. I recently downloaded a bunch of tracks off of iTunes and I'm dancing my ass off over here. I've been checking out their dance/electronic section and I realize that I miss DANCING.

When I was in grade school I took ballet. In high school I loved going to dances. Not for the boys, but for the ass kicking jams of the late 80's.

From the ages of 17 to 23 I spent more time at raves and dance clubs than I did at home (Yes. like all good Italian girls I lived at home.) But hell, man, I used to KICK IT! Yeaaaah.

Like all good Italian girls, I was also in school full time and had a part-time job working 24 hours a week. But I was not very good at being good. I danced a lot, drank a lot, smoked A LOT of cigarettes and sometimes do some drugs 3 to 4 nights a week. After a few years I started to mostly just feel like shit a lot.

Then I moved out, did more of the previously mentioned stuff, then mostly just slept a lot.

Then I met Kirk. He was my perfect partner in crime. Then we quit the hard rocking life together. Perfect. Except for the part where he HATES DANCING. I haven't gone out dancing in oh, like 2 years. That's so pathetic.

What's even more pathetic is that my wedding is in 5 weeks and the part I'm most looking forward to, besides the honeymoon in Tobago, is the dancing.


Other recent iTunes downloads that I listen to A LOT:

Rasputina - Barracuda
Gorillaz - Dirty Harry
Apostle of Hustle - Baby, You're in Luck
Ashley McIsaac - Bitch
Princess Superstar - Quitting Smoking Song
Bing Ji Ling - Where is Your Love?
Telepopmusik - Don't Look Back
Soul Hooligan - Algebra
Brazilian Girls - Don't Stop
Billy Talent - Line and Sinker
Death From Above 1979 - Little Girl (Live)
The Mars Volta - L'Via L'Viaquez
Mos Def - Sex, Love, Money

And for Squid.

THIS is a TIM HORTONS

Note the super long drive-thru lineup.

Photographic evidence of how bridal showers are actually meant to humiliate you.

You know, to actually earn all the ridiculously generous gifts from the loving and supportive family and friends in attendance.

i'm home today with a blinding headache but just took a moment to read the paper online. I am so totally moved by the total devastation in the Gulf States in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, as well as by the resiliency of it's citizens. I'm sitting here sobbing, partially because of the headache but mostly from overwhelming empathy.

mmmmmm.... onion rings and spring rolls and wedge fries ...ggauauuuuugggghhhhhh..**drool**

Right now all I really want to do is hate on the day I've had, but since it involved my work situation, I'm going to have to go ahead and not share any of that with you.

What I can say though, is that over the last 2 days I have ingested more fried food than a person should, really. While it was incredibly delicious, I am now paying for it.




Oh man, I'm so totally PMSsing right now, ya'll.




Poor Kirk.

Happy Birthday Kirk!

Last weekend was Kirk's 31st birthday. We had both managed to get Friday off. That meant 2 whole days up north! Excellent. The usual 2-hour drive that we had planned meant we'd be at the cottage in time for a swim and a margarita. With Melissa and Melissa coming up on Saturday, it promised to be a fabulous weekend.

All was going according to The Plan From Which No One Must Deviate. Except for the whole part where 20 minutes en route and the sky opened up and pooped on the entire Greater Toronto Area.

Thankfully I had decided that the drive home rush (which starts at 3 pm on Friday afternoons) was too much of a pain in the ass to stay on the Don Valley Parkway. I figured we'd just snake our way north and east, so we got off at Don Mills.

Almost as soon as I was relieved that we were way better off than those chumps on the DVP, I was driving blind. All I could see through the rain were the flashing hazard lights of other vehicles, which were the only things keeping me from veering off the road.

Lightning. Thunder. Oscar on the floor of Betty, our Volvo 240 DL station wagon.

I gunned the engine through a river of water for about 3km (which is mostly uphill). It came up to the top of the tires, forming a wake behind the car that splashed into the front windows. They were open so that the whole car wouldn't fog up and we'd really be fucked. Because of some lame-ass power outage, most of the lights at intersections were not operational, meaning they had to be treated like a 4-way stop.
(A major rule of the road, which many TOTAL ASSHOLES, more eager to get home than to care about the other people on the road, didn't bother to observe.) This took half an hour.

We pull over at a safe spot for a few minutes after about 45 minutes of the most intense driving I've done in ages. Some church parking lot. I needed to stop. I had to relax for a few minutes so I didn't kill us all by totally freaking out.

We turn on AM 640 and listen to the updates. Tornado and funnel cloud reports in the east end. Massive flooding in the north and centre of the city. OK then. After about 5 minutes, we realize that the parking lot has only one exit and the water at the foot of the driveway is rising, with the sewers incapable of holding the deluge. I wait for a gap in traffic and slam my foot on the gas and gave'er.

We made it through, but not unscathed. By the time we were far enough north to be out of the major weather pattern, an hour later, we were stuck in the drive home rush hour in suburban industrial wasteland. Anyone who has spent ANY time behind a vehicle in the GTA knows that traffic here is astronomically FUCKED UP. I had to ride the clutch the whole way, 'cause every time I stopped the car (and Toronto rush hour traffic means lots and lots of stopping), she would stall.

Once we got past the suburbs and made it to the country, it was smooth sailing. Five hours after we left home, we made it.

As soon as we dragged our provisions down to the cabin, Kirk and I slammed back a shot of Cuervo Gold and declared the Birthday Weekend ON! It was too cold out for margaritas so we settled for the Tequila.

Anyway, here are some photos that I took over the weekend.


This is Kirk. He turned 31 on August 21, 2005. He was such a good little cowboy, he got 2 r/c toys this year!


This is the birthday card Kirk received from The Melissas.

oscar a.k.a. senior puppypants a.k.a monkey boy a.k.a. swimming machine


Here is Oscar hanging out in the infamous outhouse a.k.a. die auspumpenhutte. This is where he hides during thunderstorms, far off gun shots and fireworks.


This is me in my favourite Black Death Malt Liquor t-shirt.

Anyway. we didn't get any pictures of the storm because well, we weren't really thinking of it at the time, and the camera was packed in the trunk. meh. The rest of the weekend was exactly what we needed. relaxing. And now we're back to the same old grind. Working, sleeping, eating, cleaning and wedding planning. Yes, we're still getting married in October. More about that some other time. Maybe.



Here is a movie that I most definitely need to find a way to see

Most informative and well-written Sunshine Girl bio EVAR.

i can't believe i've never been to this website before.

Bruce Campbell seems like a huge lovable prick. How can you NOT love him???

open letter

Dear dude on my street with his right hand up his bum,

Don't do it......don't smell your.........gaaaaaaaahahhhhh...he fucking did it.

Horrible AND hilarious!

I just found my copy of The Big Book of Bodily Functions. I highly recommend it.

Some new favourite expressions:
yen-shee baby
mexican lipstick
a cunt and a clap
full as a seaside shithouse on Boxing Day
to have a mouth like a nun's minge

Old standards:
turd-cutter
fudge baby
queef
dick splash
shit a brick
cock cheese
pork sword
bearded taco

Kind of weirded out by and don't really understand :
shake hands with the baby
smell the badger's touch-hole

someone think of a caption for this...please...

Courtesy of The Smoking Gun's mug shots page.

Until I get photographic evidence of our outhouse's size to appease the Squid, here's a picture I took last weekend.
See the rest here.

cottage update

The pictures on the right show what I managed to accomplish this weekend within the first 10 minutes of being awake on Saturday morning. I had stayed in bed as long as possible and was therefore forced to RUN like the wind to get to the outhouse. Which is uphill from the cabin (everything is uphill from the cabin).

After the third step up the hill, I tripped and smashed my right shin into the next step up, then fell over onto the same step on my right side. My very poorly thought out plan was thwarted by my stupid fucking sports sandals. The toe caught one of the steps which is made of two 2 by 6's holding back a crapload of dirt. The step I hit was also made up of a couple 2 by 6's which was left dented. My shin was also stayed dented for about a half hour. I didn't get any photographic evidence of either dent due to the SEARING pain that was shooting up my leg as well as needing whatever focus I had left so as not to lost total bladder control. But you can see the steps in the 3rd photo there. Fucking stairs.

Anyway, I made it to the outhouse and spent an enjoyable weekend of swimming, eating, drinking and reading. Today it feels like someone tried to break my legs. The right shin is still a bit swollen and still hasn't bruised yet. I may have to go see a doctor. Fucking outhouses.

Here's what Kirk managed to accomplish on the sleeping cabin up from the main one. He go the windows at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. He's definitely a keeper.

i may not be god, but at least i'm real

my new fave

7th Rim of Hell

Internet, I banish thee to the 7th Rim of Hell!!!!!!!!

buahahahaaahahahhaha...

hahhhahhahehaha...

hehe...

he...

h...

ack..

ahem

better late than never

OH. MY. GAWD. The 40-Year Old Virgin.

Two things you NEVER want to see

A friend of mine is a nurse in a palliative care facility. Yesterday her assistant was called to one of their resident's rooms for help. An elderly gentleman (I use this term loosely) wanted to shower and needed her help. When she arrived he was naked and sittin gin a chair. He was holding a bottle of shampoo and asked her to pour the shampoo for him...ON HIS CROTCH. Being the consummate professional that she is, she didn't really think anything of it, poured the shampoo and left. A few minutes later the same person calls for her again and as she opens the bathroom door he BLOWS his load all over himself and tells her that they make a great team. The poor woman worked the rest of her shift like a trooper since she had the next day off. I don't know how she managed. I felt sick just hearing about it.

Then this morning, I was stopped at a red light on my way to work and glanced in the rearview mirror. Only to be presented with the lovely image of some dude in the car behind me who was totally wanking it. I thought...no way...that's not...he wouldn't... Then as I drove away I checked the rearview again (HEY, it's a rearview and I was driving) and I noticed he was bouncing up and down and he kept throwing his head back and was driving with his left hand only.

I was so grossed out I totally had to tell EVERYONE at work about it. And now I'm telling the INTERNET.

Just sharing the love y'all.