i may not be god, but at least i'm real

my new fave

7th Rim of Hell

Internet, I banish thee to the 7th Rim of Hell!!!!!!!!

buahahahaaahahahhaha...

hahhhahhahehaha...

hehe...

he...

h...

ack..

ahem

better late than never

OH. MY. GAWD. The 40-Year Old Virgin.

Two things you NEVER want to see

A friend of mine is a nurse in a palliative care facility. Yesterday her assistant was called to one of their resident's rooms for help. An elderly gentleman (I use this term loosely) wanted to shower and needed her help. When she arrived he was naked and sittin gin a chair. He was holding a bottle of shampoo and asked her to pour the shampoo for him...ON HIS CROTCH. Being the consummate professional that she is, she didn't really think anything of it, poured the shampoo and left. A few minutes later the same person calls for her again and as she opens the bathroom door he BLOWS his load all over himself and tells her that they make a great team. The poor woman worked the rest of her shift like a trooper since she had the next day off. I don't know how she managed. I felt sick just hearing about it.

Then this morning, I was stopped at a red light on my way to work and glanced in the rearview mirror. Only to be presented with the lovely image of some dude in the car behind me who was totally wanking it. I thought...no way...that's not...he wouldn't... Then as I drove away I checked the rearview again (HEY, it's a rearview and I was driving) and I noticed he was bouncing up and down and he kept throwing his head back and was driving with his left hand only.

I was so grossed out I totally had to tell EVERYONE at work about it. And now I'm telling the INTERNET.

Just sharing the love y'all.

p.s.

Currently obsessed with Season 1 of

Most favourite recent episode from disc 2: Tobias is outed as a nevernude. David Cross ROCKS.

andrew and christian

These are my cousin marie's twin boys. I'm just trying out blogger's new photo tool.

Please enjoy these whilst I continue the gravy making.

I'm making my own gravy!

Currently the thermometer is hovering around 32 degrees (that's 89 degrees american).

INSIDE MY APARTMENT.

Including the humidex: feels about 40 (or 104) degrees.

yikes!

I've been blessed with heat rashes, intense sweats and even more intense desires to bludgeon all who invade my personal space.

I wish I could live at my cottage all summer long. I NEED that lake. NOW.

...sigh...poor Kirk...

Hulk's Diary That Is On The Internet

As far as weblogs go...pretty fucking hilarious.

The Darth Side comes in as a close second. (thanks Dave!)

and now for some late-breaking news

To: The Internet
From: The Shmoopiest Poopee Ever

I know this is going to sound really lame and all, but HOLY CRAP, my life has lately been all about family crises, wedding planning, working, eating, sleeping, driving, cleaning a little painting and sometimes even breathing.

I'm not sure if you noticed but blogging isn't on this list at all.

sigh

new bathroom

Here's a couple of shots of the new tile in our bathroom. My dad's buddy Vito came over earlier this week to rip out the rotten drywall that was in there and replaced it with THIS:





Oh it pays to work at a lumber yard. I get awesome discounts on materials. Thanks goodness, or else we could NEVER afford to have someone do it up for us!

glow

This is a shot I took of the ceiling at Toronto's Royal Ontario Museum.

This week's photo friday challenge

Current top 10 reasons why I am so in love with my fiancee

10
He was able to calm my mother down after some asshole smashed one of our car windows which made it impossible for us to leave for our road trip to Halifax on time. We were stopping in Quebec City to drop off a relative who had been staying with my parents. My mother HATES it when things don't happen as scheduled. She freaked out on me and I was ready to tear her throat out but he took a few minutes with her on the phone and all was well. The only other man with that kind of power is my father.

9
He forgave all my crabby remarks while we were both quarantined to our bed all weekend for being infected with the NEVER ENDING COLD. (Seriously, I'm still blowing my nose after 5 days. What's up with that?)

8
The first time we ever hung out, we were out with a large group of friends. We all had had a few drinks, and it was late. I sat next to him on a sofa in the lounge area at the skateboard park run by a friend of ours. I lay my head on his shoulder and felt right at home. I know it sounds corny, but it's true.

7
He has a great sense of humour and can make me giggle even when I'm trying really hard to maintain my hard ass composure.

6
He has the softest lips and is an AWESOME kisser.

5
He was willing to be the sole breadwinner so that I could quit my job to avoid an impending nervous breakdown.

4
He has the most pinchable bum EVAR.

3
Yesterday he told me I was beautiful even though I was actually looking more like Robert Downey Jr. on a bender.

2
He loves me in spite of all my flaws. I mean, he still wants to marry me even though I was a dumbass when I said "What took you so long?"

1
We are not only lovers but best friends. A best friend is always willing to be open and honest, even when it hurts. And he is. And sometimes it does. In the end, our relationship always comes first.

grrrrrrrrrrrrr....

I haven't slept well over the last few days and am grumpy as hell. I also now have a cold, thanks to the hundreds of sheets of paper I touch every day that have been touched by who knows how many other potentially sick people. It's the second cold I've had since I started working there.

Not a big deal to some, but considering before this job I had a cold maybe once a year, it's a big deal to me. COLDS SUCK. GERMS SUCK. That's why I wash my hands every 30 minutes or so and avoid touching my face unless my hands are clean. The worst part about that is my hands are super dry and all the skin around my cuticles is peeling, no matter how much cream I use. Not that it seems to matter any 'cause I still got sick anyway.

On the bright side, I still haven't ever wanted to set myself on fire.

update
I just sneezed 9 times in a row. That's GOT to be some kind of record.

update
I just checked the Guiness World Records website. According to them:

The longest sneezing bout ever recorded was that of 12-year-old schoolgirl Donna Griffiths of Worcestershire, UK. She started sneezing on January 13, 1981, sneezed an estimated million times in the first 365 days, and achieved her first sneeze-free day on September 16, 1983 - the 978th day. Her sneezing put Donna's face on the pages of newspapers around the world. Well-wishers inundated her with handkerchiefs and letters suggesting different cures. At the beginning, her sneezes erupted every minute but at the end they slowed down to one every five minutes. "I'm determined not to let it stop me from doing the things I like. I love swimming and I swim for the school," she said.

obsession

most recent Photo Friday Challenge

happy birthday to me!

Today I turned 31.

All in all it was a pretty good day. Work was fine - the usual. When I got home Kirk and I took Oscar out for a run in the fresh snow in the alleyway behind our building. Sadly we have no yard. ANYWAY, after that we joined Kathleen for a fabulous dinner at Cyrano's.

Now I am so full of booze and entrees and dessert that my only next move will to be fall asleep immediately after I finish typing thi........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

ghostly

ghostly, originally uploaded by the shmoops.

Here's my current shot submitted to Photo Friday.

It should be grand and not in tacksuits!

Kathleen and I went wedding dress shopping last week. Some mid-town wedding dress depot in a fairly industrial area.



I was pretty nervous AND excited. After that year sabbatical which turned into a year and a half of recovery from getting smashed on the hood of some fucknut's mini-van, and after going into some debt to buy our cottage, I haven't had much opportunity to indulge in clothing consumerism as much as my inner fashionista would like me to. Now here I was, about to try on dresses that cost more that what I spent on clothes in the last 3 years! *

I found one dress that I liked and would have had a picture of me in it, but one of the store "attendants" hissed at me shortly after taking that one photo.


* I did go to Montreal last spring with my mum and bought a bunch of stuff that I love. But I was then a size 12 and am now a size 10. HUZZAH! you say? I wholeheartedly agree, except for the part where most of my clothes are either awesome but ill-filling or old, hole-y and patched. ...sigh...

happy happy joy joy

I have just had my back deep-tissue massaged and holy smokes I am SERIOUSLY pre-menstrual. Oh joy. Evening's looking up though. Kirk rented Hebrew Hammer.

currenly watching:

Rick Mercer's Sunday Report
Who else but Rick Mercer could get Pierre Berton to teach the Monday Report viewers to roll a joint (check October back issues for video). HUZZAH.

The Newsroom
If you liked The Office, you'll LOVE Ken Finkleman's George Findlay.

Carnivale
Possibly the most engrossing drama on television. Plus, it's got carnies!

OH and I'm soooooooo looking forward to the new motherfuckingcocksucking season of Deadwood

Best Valentine's Day Gift. EVER.

I never thought I'd be so attached to my name, but I am.

I was worried for a while that maybe Kirk might be offended that I didn't want to take his name. So of course, for the last few weeks, I've just totally avoided the subject altogether. He wasn't. Not at all. In fact, he told me that it was MY name and that it was totally up to me, that he would love me no matter what.

I love him so much I could just EXPLODE.

In the end I decided that I'm going to keep my last name for legal purposes, but would be happy to be called Mrs. Kirk when it suits us best.

(Oh, and we've decided that if/when we have children, they'll get both of our names - probably not hyphenated though, we'd be talking six syllables.)